What The HELL Happened??

Of all the major transitions in my life – marriage, motherhood, divorce and my rebirth as a single mom – the one I was least prepared for was menopause, a hormonal hell that marks the end of a woman’s childbearing years and the beginning of what I call “The Nobody Years.” Nobody notices you anymore (especially men!). Nobody cares what you’re going through (no matter how much you bitch about it). And nobody wants to be around you (probably because of all the bitching).


Maybe the reason I was so unprepared for this thief in the night, this burglar of my youth, is that I was WAY too young when all the nonsense started . . . just a mere 45! I was a BAAABY! A hot, juicy, newly divorced woman who had finally escaped a turbulent marriage and was ready for a second shot at life, love and romance. I had always heard that your 40s are the best years ever, and I couldn’t wait to jump in and take them for a ride!

Then odd things began happening, physically. My hair started to fall out, and this time it had nothing to do with my kids. I was moody a lot (but then, aren’t all single moms?). I was getting headaches in the morning, and I noticed the texture and tone of my skin had changed, too. My periods became irregular. I’d miss a month. Then two. Then I’d be back on track, and attributed the fluctuation to the stresses and strains of life. And instead of going out with friends on the Fridays that my children were visiting their dad – usually my favorite night of the week – my inner turtle emerged, and all I wanted to do was take cover under a blanket and pop in a movie from Blockbuster.

And let's not even talk about the night sweats and unexplained weight gain!

It was just a phase, I thought. At 45, menopause was the FURTHEST thing from my mind. Besides, “The Change” is something old women go through, right? In fact, the average age of menopause is 51.4 years old, so say all the medical experts.

Then one day, I stumbled upon Suzanne Somer’s book, “The Sexy Years,” and it changed my life and the way I thought about menopause forever. Suzanne Somers, everyone’s favorite “dumb blonde,” is anything but, trust me! (I’ll write more on Suzanne and her book in a later post.) The point is, thanks to Suzanne prying open my mind, I got educated about all the changes my body was experiencing, and I encourage all menopausal women to do the same. Once you know “why” and “what” is happening, you’ll be able to make a proactive decision on “how” to deal with it. YOU are in control, not your doctor, who, as Suzanne says, will merely pat you on the hand and tell you, “You’re just getting old. Deal with it, Honey.”

OLD MY ASS, Doc! Yes, I feel cheated out of some of my youthful years with the early onset of menopause. But I certainly don’t feel old. I’m not going to dry up and blow away like some useless dust in the wind anytime soon. As far as I’m concerned, my best, most productive years are ahead of me. I may not be biologically fertile anymore (thank, God!), but my mind is spilling over with ideas. I am fertile with purpose.

The U.S. Census Bureau reports that over the next two decades, nearly 40 million women (roughly a third of all American women) will reach menopause. I’m starting this blog as a way to reach out to as many of you OldMyAssers as possible. With a little compassion and a lot of humor, we’ll get through this together.