How about some sex?! Anybody? Anybody?? It's debatable as to what the worst symptom of menopause is: hot flashes, night sweats, depression or the complete loss of sexual desire. To address the very delicate subject of "not being in the mood anymore" when you're going through menopause (a VERY common problem, by the way), I have invited Dr. Stephanie Buehler, a certified sex therapist and director of The Buehler Institute in Orange County, California, to be a guest blogger. Take it away, Dr. Buehler . . .
Menopause is a bitch. Your body is trying to wind down, but all the external demands are still the same: work, family, care giving duties, volunteer work, and pets, it all still falls on your shoulders. And then, in the middle of the night, when you’re wide awake with a pool of sweat growing cold on your chest, there is your partner, bugging you for sex.
As much as you’d like to clobber your man, stop and think. He may have slowed down, but he’s still in the game. If your sex life was pretty good before the transition, he’s going to be kind of clueless about all the changes you are experiencing.
Every woman is different, but the majority of women report that their sex drive takes a dive as they head into menopause. The culprit is decreased estrogen. Without adequate estrogen, a woman’s body cannot manufacture testosterone as readily. Testosterone is responsible for feeding the fantasy life and creating sexual desire and sensation, so as it decreases, so does drive. Lower estrogen contributes to other problems, such as vaginal dryness and thinning vaginal walls.
What to do? Your first trip should be to your gynecologist to discuss your sexual concerns, and any other symptoms related to menopause. You may decide that a low dose of hormone replacement is a good idea, or you may decide to try the natural route, such as acupuncture and herbs. Topical estrogen can help with dryness and ease any discomfort you may have with intercourse.
Whatever you try, you may still be left without much drive for sex. But here’s the important part: You need to separate the idea of drive—the inborn need for sex that is biological and pushes you to reproduce—and desire, the mental and emotional need for intimacy and closeness with another human being.
If you focus on the latter, you may find sex much more appealing, rather than forcing yourself to want it. It also means that you have to take more responsibility for telling your partner what is likely to make you desire sex. Do you need to have an intellectual chat on the sofa with a glass of wine? Or would taking a bracing walk on the beach revitalize your wish to spend some time in the bedroom? How about a massage and a shower? Or a good night’s sleep so that you are more awake to enjoy sex?
Last but not least, good sex requires good self-care. Consider slowing down during this time of transition, taking on fewer responsibilities so that you make sure you have the time and energy for pleasure, both sexual and nonsexual. Yoga is good for stress management and flexibility. Eating a balanced diet, one that is right for you (Mediterranean, high-protein, glycemic index, etc.) can also help you maintain energy for play.
One good thing: Most women are happy once they are fully in menopause, which is defined as 12 months without a menstrual period. No more worry about periods, no more worry about pregnancy. And, with life expectancy in the U.S. at 78 years, lots of time left to enjoy sex, one of life’s greatest free pleasures.
Dr. Stephanie Buehler is a sex therapist in private practice at The Buehler Institute in Irvine, California, and the creator of The Blog Erotic. Her special interest is helping couples attain intimacy, in and out of the bedroom.
Menopause is a bitch. Your body is trying to wind down, but all the external demands are still the same: work, family, care giving duties, volunteer work, and pets, it all still falls on your shoulders. And then, in the middle of the night, when you’re wide awake with a pool of sweat growing cold on your chest, there is your partner, bugging you for sex.
As much as you’d like to clobber your man, stop and think. He may have slowed down, but he’s still in the game. If your sex life was pretty good before the transition, he’s going to be kind of clueless about all the changes you are experiencing.
Every woman is different, but the majority of women report that their sex drive takes a dive as they head into menopause. The culprit is decreased estrogen. Without adequate estrogen, a woman’s body cannot manufacture testosterone as readily. Testosterone is responsible for feeding the fantasy life and creating sexual desire and sensation, so as it decreases, so does drive. Lower estrogen contributes to other problems, such as vaginal dryness and thinning vaginal walls.
What to do? Your first trip should be to your gynecologist to discuss your sexual concerns, and any other symptoms related to menopause. You may decide that a low dose of hormone replacement is a good idea, or you may decide to try the natural route, such as acupuncture and herbs. Topical estrogen can help with dryness and ease any discomfort you may have with intercourse.
Whatever you try, you may still be left without much drive for sex. But here’s the important part: You need to separate the idea of drive—the inborn need for sex that is biological and pushes you to reproduce—and desire, the mental and emotional need for intimacy and closeness with another human being.
If you focus on the latter, you may find sex much more appealing, rather than forcing yourself to want it. It also means that you have to take more responsibility for telling your partner what is likely to make you desire sex. Do you need to have an intellectual chat on the sofa with a glass of wine? Or would taking a bracing walk on the beach revitalize your wish to spend some time in the bedroom? How about a massage and a shower? Or a good night’s sleep so that you are more awake to enjoy sex?
Last but not least, good sex requires good self-care. Consider slowing down during this time of transition, taking on fewer responsibilities so that you make sure you have the time and energy for pleasure, both sexual and nonsexual. Yoga is good for stress management and flexibility. Eating a balanced diet, one that is right for you (Mediterranean, high-protein, glycemic index, etc.) can also help you maintain energy for play.
One good thing: Most women are happy once they are fully in menopause, which is defined as 12 months without a menstrual period. No more worry about periods, no more worry about pregnancy. And, with life expectancy in the U.S. at 78 years, lots of time left to enjoy sex, one of life’s greatest free pleasures.
Dr. Stephanie Buehler is a sex therapist in private practice at The Buehler Institute in Irvine, California, and the creator of The Blog Erotic. Her special interest is helping couples attain intimacy, in and out of the bedroom.
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