Skinny Bitch No More

I used to be one of those women you hated growing up. The skinny one who could eat anything and never get fat. In Eighth Grade, I was 5’7” tall and weighed 88 pounds -- and I didn’t even have an eating disorder! It was ALL me. My nickname in school was “Olive Oil,” if that tells you anything. Did I paint a clear enough picture?

Well, you’ll be happy to know that life finally catches up to us skinny bitches eventually, and when we hit the magical age of menopause, you get your wish at last, and the skinny bitches are skinny no more.

I’m about 10 pounds overweight. More like 15, but I’m in denial. Not so coincidentally, I gained this weight when I went on hormone replacement. My doctor – and Suzanne Somers -- promised me that once my estrogen and progesterone levels were balanced, that the weight would drop off.

Nada. Nothing. Zip. I’m still the same weight, three years later.

Instead of going into hiding AGAIN this summer, I decided that I would change it up a bit. I decided to take Pilates through OC Pilates Fitness Boot Camp and go cold turkey on hormone replacement, just to see what happened. I expected the weight to just melt away within weeks.

Well, after being off hormone therapy for just THREE days, my hot flashes and night sweats returned. And I woke up with painful headaches in the morning. I decided that maybe I could live with a few extra pounds because I certainly couldn’t live with these horrendous menopausal symptoms.

But I am still taking Pilates, and I’m eating less white stuff – the flours and the sugars. I’ve lost two pounds in two weeks, so I’m on the right track. My endocrinologist tells me that diets don’t work and the only real magic pill to weight loss is proper diet and exercise.

You hear that, Ladies?? We actually have to work at being thinner! Sorry to break the bad news to you. But if you want to be thin and healthy, you MUST put healthy food into your mouth and exercise for 30 minutes, at least three times a week. As hard as we've tried to dodge this hard, cold reality all these years, there is no getting around this very simple concept.

What's more, we can't blame it on water weight anymore because we no longer have periods. So we're screwed!

Now put down that chocolate-chip cookie and give me 20 stomach crunches.

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Did Whacky Hormones Ruin My Marriage?

Is it just me or is it really HOT in here?

Sadly – and VERY prematurely – it happens to be “just me.” See, I boarded that non-stop train for menopause a wee bit early. Doctors say it’s genetic. Thanks to my grandma, who went through “the change” at 38, I’ve been cheated out of the sexiest years of my life. “Hot and sweaty” has a whole new meaning now.

Menopause marks the end of childbearing years. OK by me. But as the ovaries prepare to cough up that last egg, your body goes through hormonal hell anywhere from six months to 10 years prior to it. During “premenopause,” estrogen, progesterone and testosterone levels decrease and become imbalanced, causing mood swings, sleeplessness, depression, fatigue, unexplained weight gain (no, you can’t lose weight from night sweats) and other unwelcome problems.

All this time, I thought it was the side effects of single parenting. What a relief to discover that so much of my erratic behavior in the last five years can be blamed on hormonal imbalance:

Impatience with my kids. . . hormones. Dates I never called back . . hormones. Angry blogs I banged out . . . hormones. Thelma and Louise flooring it into the Grand Canyon . . . DEFINITELY hormones.

The big question is: Did hormonal imbalance cause the breakup of my marriage? I’m not going to let the ex off that easily, but it does make me wonder. Hormones are mysterious, yet powerful little boogers. Anyone with PMS can attest to that. An imbalance can cause moodiness, despondency, overreactions and a low sex drive. Little things that, over time, can erode any marriage.

I’ve talked to enough doctors and perused countless websites on this passage in a woman’s life -- from raging hormones to whimpering ones -- to know that hormonal balance is critical to our overall well-being. It’s why I made the decision to go on bioidentical hormone replacement therapy (their molecular structure mimic those produced naturally by the body). “Fill ‘er up with estrogen, please.”

In the three years that I have been on BHRT, it has done wonders for me. I sleep better, have amazing energy and my skin glows. Suzanne Somers makes a very convincing argument for bioidentical HRT in her controversial book, “The Sexy Years.” Not all doctors and menopausal women are in the Somers camp. But at the very least, you should have your doctor check your hormone levels. Perhaps the reason you feel so empty inside is because you really are.

OK, maybe, just maybe, imbalanced hormones played a small part in the demise of my marriage. I should talk to the ex and explain the whole silly thing to him. We’ll have a good laugh, get back together and live happily-ever-after on natural hormone replacement therapy.

Hey . . . I’m menopausal. Not crazy.


IMPORTANT NOTE: Don’t confuse bioidentical HRT with the synthetic versions -- Premarin and Provera -- which have been linked to an increased risk of breast cancer, stroke and heart disease according to a study by the Women’s Health Initiative.

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Hidden Talents

I can't think of a better way to start off this blog aimed at menopausal women -- rather, "women in transition" -- than to share the video of Susan Boyle with you. You may have seen this already, as it has been around the world and back several times in the last week. But it's worth a second, third and fourth look, even.

Susan Boyle is a 47-year-old spinster from a small hamlet in Scotland. By her own admission, she never married, lives with cats and has never even been kissed. She has devoted most of her life to taking care of her infirmed mother. But Susan is a diamond in the rough. She has MAD singing talent!

She signed up for the hit show, "Britain's Got Talent," and when she clomped onto the stage in her clunky shoes and drab, beige dress with BLACK stockings (YIKES!), wiry, graying hair, peach-fuzzed face and Brezhnev-thick eyebrows, and told the panel of judges and audience of thousands that her dream was to be a singer, everyone just laughed at her -- especially the young girls, to whom the camera cut away several times. They rolled their eyes at her and you could just hear them thinking, "Oh, RIGHT, old woman! It's way too late for you. Give it up!"

Then she started singing, and the crowd was on its feet. See the miracle unfold for yourself:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY


You got goosebumps, didn't you? Susan Boyle, I LOVE you! You give hope to everyone who has ever had a dream, or who has given up on a dream because they thought their season in the sun had passed them by long ago. The message here is simplistic, but important nonetheless: Believe in yourself, always -- no matter what your age! -- even when others don't.

Makes me wonder . . . how many of us have hidden talents that we've been too afraid to show the world? Well?? What are you waiting for, an invitation from Simon Cowell?

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What The HELL Happened??

Of all the major transitions in my life – marriage, motherhood, divorce and my rebirth as a single mom – the one I was least prepared for was menopause, a hormonal hell that marks the end of a woman’s childbearing years and the beginning of what I call “The Nobody Years.” Nobody notices you anymore (especially men!). Nobody cares what you’re going through (no matter how much you bitch about it). And nobody wants to be around you (probably because of all the bitching).


Maybe the reason I was so unprepared for this thief in the night, this burglar of my youth, is that I was WAY too young when all the nonsense started . . . just a mere 45! I was a BAAABY! A hot, juicy, newly divorced woman who had finally escaped a turbulent marriage and was ready for a second shot at life, love and romance. I had always heard that your 40s are the best years ever, and I couldn’t wait to jump in and take them for a ride!

Then odd things began happening, physically. My hair started to fall out, and this time it had nothing to do with my kids. I was moody a lot (but then, aren’t all single moms?). I was getting headaches in the morning, and I noticed the texture and tone of my skin had changed, too. My periods became irregular. I’d miss a month. Then two. Then I’d be back on track, and attributed the fluctuation to the stresses and strains of life. And instead of going out with friends on the Fridays that my children were visiting their dad – usually my favorite night of the week – my inner turtle emerged, and all I wanted to do was take cover under a blanket and pop in a movie from Blockbuster.

And let's not even talk about the night sweats and unexplained weight gain!

It was just a phase, I thought. At 45, menopause was the FURTHEST thing from my mind. Besides, “The Change” is something old women go through, right? In fact, the average age of menopause is 51.4 years old, so say all the medical experts.

Then one day, I stumbled upon Suzanne Somer’s book, “The Sexy Years,” and it changed my life and the way I thought about menopause forever. Suzanne Somers, everyone’s favorite “dumb blonde,” is anything but, trust me! (I’ll write more on Suzanne and her book in a later post.) The point is, thanks to Suzanne prying open my mind, I got educated about all the changes my body was experiencing, and I encourage all menopausal women to do the same. Once you know “why” and “what” is happening, you’ll be able to make a proactive decision on “how” to deal with it. YOU are in control, not your doctor, who, as Suzanne says, will merely pat you on the hand and tell you, “You’re just getting old. Deal with it, Honey.”

OLD MY ASS, Doc! Yes, I feel cheated out of some of my youthful years with the early onset of menopause. But I certainly don’t feel old. I’m not going to dry up and blow away like some useless dust in the wind anytime soon. As far as I’m concerned, my best, most productive years are ahead of me. I may not be biologically fertile anymore (thank, God!), but my mind is spilling over with ideas. I am fertile with purpose.

The U.S. Census Bureau reports that over the next two decades, nearly 40 million women (roughly a third of all American women) will reach menopause. I’m starting this blog as a way to reach out to as many of you OldMyAssers as possible. With a little compassion and a lot of humor, we’ll get through this together.

The Face BEHIND It All

Hello . . . my name is Lynn Armitage, creator, inventor, CEO, president, publisher, owner, founder -- you get the picture -- of oldmyass.com, a blog dedicated to all you beautiful, menopausal women out there who may not be young by society’s impossible standards, but who are anything but old.

Do I look old to you? (Thank you, Photoshop!) Look in the mirror – neither are you! With the life expectancy of women these days at about 80 years old, women in their 40s and 50s are closer to middle age than old age.

Dare I say . . . we are MODEL-AGED!

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to spend the next 30 years of my life buying into the idea that we’re old just because we aren’t fertile enough to make babies anymore. Or because our faces aren’t packing as much collagen as the younger gals. Or because we’re carrying around a few extra pounds. Or because men turn up their noses at us like we’re cartons of spoiled milk. (And aren’t they missing out??) Are these really valid reasons to back down from life and become shadows of our former selves?

I say, “Hell, no!” Repeat after me: “We are NOT old women! We are women in transition.” Marriage, children, careers, annoying periods . . . we’ve been there, done that, and now we’re ready to live life on our own terms.

And it’s empowering to remember that we Baby Boomers may be low on estrogen, but we're the ones with all the cash!

When I’m not standing on my soapbox, I’m single-parenting two girls, ages 16 and 12, a teen and a tween, who are experiencing profound transitions of their own. I am also the former editor of two parenting magazines, an award-winning, syndicated columnist and an editor at SingleMindedWomen.com. Catch my other peaceful reflections on life (HA!) at "My Teen, The Alien," "A Mad Mom," and "TravelingMom.com."